Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
