You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
