she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
