you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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