I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
