It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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