I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
