i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
