I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
