I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
