Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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