does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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