There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
