I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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