Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
