I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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