I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
