from now on my penis is your penis
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
