There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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