shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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