I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
