You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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