I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
