I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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