he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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