pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
