I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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