I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
