Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You can't motorboat a personality
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
