Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
