Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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