I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
