Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
