Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We left an ass print on the piano.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
