If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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