i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
