I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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