We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
