I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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