Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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