I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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