I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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