Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
