Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
is it fun? or sober?
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