I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
