I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
