Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
