Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
