i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
