One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
