you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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