What did we do last night that was yellow?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
so let's talk penis.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
